Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Hard To Say

I think we could all agree that sometimes life is really really REALLY hard. And that is an understatement. Amongst all the daily tasks, financial matters, family dynamics, relational problems, health issues, and any grandiose let-downs of life in general, keeping your wits about you can feel impossible (and there are times when it IS). This post is for those of you who are there right now, and this post is for me.

It's not the first time I've been "there", and it probably won't be the last (although that would be nice!). I've had my fair share of disappointments: gut-wrenching heartbreak, financial ruin, losing a home, chronic and debilitating mystery health problems, family abandonment and traumas, personal struggles… the list could go on and on, and I'm sure you have your lists, too. Presently, I'm dealing with loss on many levels, and it's nearly impossible to get through an entire day without my stomach knotting up from the stress of it all. Don't misunderstand, this is not me playing my violin. This is me letting anyone know who needs to know that you are not alone.

So the question is, what do we do when life closes in on us, when we're awake in our bed with our hurt and confusion laying heavy on our chest? How do we cope with the disappointments and uncertainties of life? I wish I knew the ultimate answer to that question, but I don't. What I DO know is that in times like these you MUST be kind to yourself. When in despair, the worst thing you can do is self-loathe. It will only push you further down into the hole. It's so important to speak lovingly to yourself, and to take care of yourself physically (meaning exercising and eating right). Today, I forgive myself for being weak and imperfect, and I accept mercy and grace because, after all, I am human. I have a tendency to be mean to myself when I don't meet my standard (which is usually perfection). I always hold the highest measuring stick, and it usually has a whip on the end. This is a very bad habit. I don't have to beat myself up mentally in order to spur on changes in my behavior or attitude. Positive reinforcement should be something we all practice with ourselves, not just with others around us.

And then there's thankfulness. What a chore this can be, right? Choosing to focus on and actively appreciate all the beautiful blessings in our lives when we feel so overwhelmed with the blues is not an easy thing to do. It can feel so nice to sit back and simmer in your anger and resentment, or sludge around in your gloom (why is that???). Maybe because it's the easiest thing to do? What is hard, and consequently powerful, is speaking thankfulness in the midst of sorrow. You have to make yourself do it, even if your heart doesn't agree. The battle always begins in the mind, and from there it will eventually trickle down into your heart, and then into your actions. It's just the way it works.

At the end of the day, my attitude is still my choice, and how I treat myself is my choice and is ultimately how I will treat others. So, I shall put on my britches of integrity (even while I mumble under my breath about it), lace up my tennis shoes, and I will fight to keep my wits today, and the next. I will allow myself ample wiggle room for messing up. I will focus on the blessings in my life, which are many. And no matter how I feel, I will show myself love and speak kindly to myself, and I will tell my God "thank you" for being who he is and for loving me. And, I will try my hardest to accept that there are things I don't understand and may never understand. And that is okay.

Here's a video of a song I wrote a while back. It's quite relevant to this post, and I've yet to share any of my music here, so there's a first time for everything. Hope you enjoy it. :)


(Whew! Longest and most serious post yet! ;)


  1. Beautiful post, incredible song, I needed to hear that today. Luvs you, Felic. XO